Posts Tagged ‘complicated relationships’

I started writing this small article a few years ago, I began writing when I was dating a guy for about 8 or 9 months and couldn’t quite figure out what was happening. It wasn’t love, but our connection was strong. I stopped writing after we grew apart; I dated several men after that but no one came close. Then, after a few unexpected, dramatic events changed my life forever, I met someone who was so far from anyone I had gone for in the past. I didn’t know anything about him, but after our first conversation, I knew I would figure out a way to get to know him and date him. In retrospect, I realize that what we discovered and created from each other was not love. What seemed so strong was more lust than anything- which is actually terrifying when you finally realize it. Our connection was not based on the core values two people need in a relationship; nevertheless, now that he is forever in my past, and I have come to terms with exactly what went on in our overly-complicated, addicting virus of a relationship, I have decided to share this article with everyone. It may seem simple and without meaning, but from my point of view this was created during the peeks of relationship high.

So I dedicate it to you- you know who you are- I have realized the mistakes we made and even though I still do not know what love really is, what it feels like, what it tastes like, I post this to allow our misinterpretation to be set free. I appreciate the experience because it taught me more lessons in what love is not. Our relationship was a disguise. It wasn’t love.

One thing only women understand is that it’s all very well to have a good husband, but if you don’t have a good hair colorist, aerobics instructor, car mechanic, baby-sitter, all of the above, you might as well be dead. But, if you could only have one of those things, which would you pick? If you picked any options other than a good, faithful husband, I urge you to discontinue reading this article immediately. You’re simply not ready. If however, you chose the latter, you must have some concept of faith, hope, or even love. Because in reality, would your car mechanic hold you close at night, would your baby-sitter do anything for you and expect nothing in return, would your hair colorist try to think of a million different ways to be funny only to hear the bewitching sweet sound of your laugh over and over, and would your aerobics instructor vow to stick with you through good times and bad, in sickness and in health? I think not.

What is love? Well, love is a mystery. Love is patient; love is kind, love means slowly losing your mind. Although, every individual whom can attest to being suddenly whisked away on that passionate and foolish magic carpet ride must be obliged to concur that the very second you feel it, there is and never was anything mysterious about it.

All women acknowledge there are universal attributes to a man that make him desirable; Bernard S. Talmey, M.D., embraces these “masculine virtues which impress true women [such as] physical strength, courage, nobility of mind, chivalry, and self-confidence. These virtues constitute the beauty which arouses the woman’s love.”

Love is when you never want to make a mistake, and you can’t help but make a fool of yourself. You make mistakes over and over, but none of them count when you’re falling in love. There is no judgment, no regret. Love takes over you, and you happily surrender. Some say they knew from the very first date that it was time to raise that little white flag. Even my own father proposed to my mother the very first time he met her. Naturally, she said no, but nevertheless, they were never parted from each other from that moment on.

In a most romantic love scene from The Blue Lagoon comes this quote that captures all desire fired by love; “As she looked at him like that, he suddenly and fiercely clasped her in his arms. He held her like this for a moment, dazed, stupefied, not knowing what to do with her. Then her lips told him, for they met his in an endless kiss.”

What we call love, can be dangerous and challenging. Love is the most powerful force the human race could ever embrace. All major life decisions involve love; it is the common denominator in all things valuable in this world. It is something that can never be described one way; it is different for everyone, yet astoundingly the same in that once you’ve fallen in love, everyone can attest to that feeling of uncontrolled emotion, great happiness over small things, and finding desire within you that you never knew you had.

It is something you cannot seek out, you can’t buy it at the grocery store, you can’t search for it in vintage shops, or abandoned cities; it is a connection no one can know but the two people it captures. It is such a mixture of all our emotions, thoughts and feelings we rarely feel at once, feelings we never knew another person could bring out of us. When I found love with another person, it was the most exhilarating yet horrifying feeling I have ever experienced. Wasting time trying to figure out what you’re feeling, trying to rationalize your thoughts and decisions. The things you find yourself doing just to make him or her happy. When you laugh for no reason, at any given time, just because you thought of them or were reminded of them. When you find yourself crying because of overwhelmed desire, or not being able to control what your mind and heart are telling you, or when you can’t figure out yet another way just to get closer to them.

Love can dwell on for months, years, and even forever. If you’re lucky, your love can last forever with the one person you’ve chosen to spend your life with. Sometimes it makes us afraid; it intimidates us and therefore leaves us in a shaded place. Whether it ended well or poorly, you will carry the love you had with that person forever. Sometimes it slips away, and you spend forever trying to understand why. As singer/songwriter Adele describes in her song Best For Last:

 “Why is it every time I think I’ve tried my hardest, It turns out it ain’t enough cause you’re still not mentioning love. What am I supposed to do to make you want me properly? I’m taking these chances and getting away. And though I’m trying my hardest you go back to her.  And I think that I know things may never change. I’m still hoping one day I might hear you say:

I make you feel a way you’ve never felt before
And I’m all you need and that you never want more
Then you’d say all of the right things without a clue
But you’d save the best for last
Like I’m the one for you.

The days grow short as the nights grow long. Time is slipping by, why not take a chance? When you’re in love, wasting time is the devil’s game. Small arguments over jelly in the grocery store, or leaving the toilet seat up seem so insignificant and minuscule compared to the power of your connection. Infuriating it may be, when they press all your buttons and push you to the edge; but you can never remain upset for long. If you’re like me, you know what it feels like to want to be in control. I’m determined to make sure I am the only one who can control my schedule, my car, my remote, my feelings, and my relationships. I am the “feminazi” that will argue sandwich making into submission. It used to be that compromises were only made to satisfy my needs. I rarely considered where my partner was coming from, or how I made them feel, it was always about how they were affecting me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve built a wall around my heart, always guarded; never showing my true feelings, never one to show weakness- like crying, never trusting others, and never one to believe love is 100% real. Oh what a rude awakening it is when this type-A personality tries to control a true relationship with someone I wasn’t quite aware that I was falling in love with.

You know who I’m talking about. This someone makes you nervous and weak; someone who can make you cry for the simplest reasons or no reason at all. You want to be a part of their joy and their happiness, their sadness and despair; you want to be their false and their truth. Times you wish your day just wouldn’t start unless they were there. Every day is beautiful when you’re with them; rain or snow, tornado or hurricane, the sun somehow finds a way to shine. What I’ve come to discover, that I never thought I could endure once again, is the dark abyss of torture and lonely hell one feels when they cannot be with the one they love. It seems so unfair that once you have come to this point, after countless bad dates, the handful of failed relationships and the all the assholes you had to run over in order to get here, you still can’t quite reach it. Why is that? Will we ever get what we want? How do you know that what you want is right for you? How can you mend a broken heart? These are questions that some of us will never find the answer to. All I know is that, a core-shaking love, finding that unbreakable connection which changes you forever, will never ever be forgotten. I will never forget how you made me feel. I will never forget your kiss, your touch. I will never forget your smile, your laugh, your happiness. I will never forget you.