Posts Tagged ‘advice’

Here we have the words of wisdom from several psychologists, counselors, researchers, and matchmakers “to spill their secrets to making that complicated-but-wonderful guy-girl thing actually work.” All of these dead-on tips are split up into “five major love stages.” Some may stray a bit from your own moral compass (mine too), but overall I think we’ve got a great batch of girl talk for all the ladies to enjoy…

Stage One: Falling in Lust…

Don’t sleep with a guy on the first date if you want the best shot at some kind of future with him. Yes, plenty of relationships do start that way, but you risk being put into the onetime-fling category.

Never pretend to be into a guy’s hobbies. Your true colors will come out.

When a guy tells you he isn’t looking for a commitment, repeat it to a friend or write it down. Do what you have to do. That forces you to accept that he means it…and he does. (Yes, from time to time we do need this kind of reality check, especially if your heart is being really stubborn and doesn’t want to listen! Happens to the best of us.)

Enjoy the moment when you’re on dates. That means no discussing the future with him or worrying Is he The One? by date four. For the first month or so, your only job is to have fun. (Make that the first 2 or 3 months!)

Focus on your own pleasure in bed. If you’re too busy showing off your skills, you’ll forget to just enjoy yourself (and rob him of the pleasure of driving you wild).

Listen to what his friends and family say about him. Offhand comments (“He was never a one-woman guy before meeting you!”) are some of your best tip-offs to the real him. So pay attention!

Sit or stand side by side with your man while doing things together whenever possible. Men typically feel more relaxed and intimately connected in this position than when you’re directly facing each other.

Spend equal–if not more–time with your friends in the first few months of dating. Guys often rush into a relationship, then suddenly cry, “This is moving too fast!” You have to apply the brakes. (Very true! And it takes a while to get used to this part ladies. Just takes practice.)

Keep your options open for at least three months before deciding to be exclusive. You need a minimum of 90 days to even begin to know what someone is really like.

Stage Two: Going to the Next Level…

He’s not your boyfriend until he publicly calls you his girlfriend or agrees to be exclusive. End of story. (Ladies please don’t try to bend the truth and scew reality. This is simple. It might be a hard pill to swallow, but this is definitely a mistake that does not look classy on you. Now, if you and your friends, agree you’ve been waiting forever for just an inch…then it might be time to re-evaluate why you’re still with this guy.)

When you have a problem with his lifestyle, speak up before you get really angry. If you don’t tell him that his partying bugs you, you’ll eventually explode on him- not a smart communication technique. (This takes a lot of patience. If you find yourself getting super angry in the moment, it’s best to step away from the situation and think about it or talk it over with a friend. Remember to pick your battles. Because in the end, is this REALLY something you need to start an argument over?… if it is- speak up girl!)

Let him be the first to say the L word. Men generally need more time to process emotions and voice them. Hearing it could make him feel cornered. (Normally I would probably say ‘ugh bullshit, if you want to say it first, go for it!’…but this fact can be backed up by psychological and sociological fact- therefore it might be best to let him go first )

If you need a Define This Relationship Talk, initiate it while walking with you guy. Low-key activity lowers his stress hormone levels, which rise when he’s forced to chat about his emotions. (the downside to gender socialization. Sad day.)

Hang out with happy couples he knows and thinks are cool. When he sees commitment as a fun thing, he’ll become more comfortable with it. (Only necessary if your guy hasn’t been in a committed relationship before.)

 If you think you want to marry a guy, wait to move in until you’re engaged. Otherwise, he’ll feel less incentive to take the next step. (Although, if he needs more incentive than just wanting to be with you…then what the heck? hmmm)

Shacking up while you’re engaged is a smart move. Cohabiting presents a host of challenges that are best handled prior to marriage.

Deliver an ultimatum to get a commitment only if you’re prepared to walk away. Be firm about expectations, and give him a deadline. (emphasis on the prepare to walk away part!…ultimatums can be dangerous.)

You can’t force a guy to cut ties with his past…but explain why his hanging out with an ex or someone you don’t like, hurts you. If he really cares, he’ll respect your wishes or tell you why he needs continued contact. (Very, very, very true. You cannot change the people that were in his past. No matter how much you wish they weren’t involved.)

Cut your guy some slack if he promises you’ll get engaged once he reaches a goal, like finishing grad school. But give him only nine months after that to make good on his word.

Stage Three: Hitting the First Rough Patch

Develop binocular vision: the ability to see his perspective plus your own. Try to appreciate his point of view and he’ll be more likely to appreciate yours. (This is definitely the best but sometimes the hard thing to do. But try to do this as much as possible! It will definitely work out some way.)

Couch a complaint between compliments: “You’re a great schmoozer, but I’d like a call if you’re going to miss dinner because of client drinks. I love our evening time together, and I want to know when it will start.” (Most often I say just come right out and say it. Cut the bullshit. lol but sometimes I’m nice.)

Get him to act by using humor.

Know this: over time, a guy’s attitudes, opinions, beliefs, politics, and views toward money could be fluid. What probably won’t change: his values, stance on monogamy, and religious beliefs.

Speak up about specifics- a birthday present you’d like, a restaurant you want to go to. Men don’t pick up on subtle clues.

If you find out something bad about his past, like he cheated on an ex, ask why he did it and what he learned. If he is contrite and has vowed to change, chances are, he won’t do it again.

When he seems overwhelmed during an argument, take a 20 minute break. Men’s bodies easily flood with stress hormones, triggering an instinct to flee.

Watch your mouth in moments of anger. Cruel or contemptuous comments are often forgiven but not forgotten.

Don’t criticize his attempts to say sorry. Men apologize through activity, so although you may not hear the word, you’ll see it when he takes you to dinner or gives you a massage after a fight.

Stage Four: Cruising Into the Comfort Zone

One habit all happy couples share: doing fun things together. Competitive games (pool, Trivial Pursuit) have a strong effect because they raise adrenaline, which helps you bond.

Don’t let him see you peeing, plucking your eyebrows, or doing an at-home bikini wax. You can be “real” in ways that don’t chip away at romance.

Keep some secrets to preserve mystery. Examples: your “number,” what happened that girls’ weekend in Cabo, etc.

Jump on him instead of next to him on the couch. Being sexy and playful takes effort, but it’s the glue that keeps couples together.

Don’t forget to kiss. Doing it for 10 seconds for no particular reason makes you more aroused during sex, even hours later.

…And hug too. Guys have less oxytocin, the brain’s bonding chemical, than women do, but it can be boosted with frequent touching.

If your body has changed since you met, good God, don’t point it out! Men rarely notice details like cellulite and saggage.

Balance out each negative interaction with five positive actions. Things like a peck on the cheek, make-up sex, or saying I love you will help repair and restore your relationship after a fight.

Don’t succumb to sex when you’re not feeling it. Most women need a few minutes to relax before they’re mentally ready to become intimate. Chill, then go at it.

Get past a sex slump by isolating yourselves (spending a night at a hotel or the weekend in your bed) with no distractions and only one agenda: sex.

Don’t pull a Heidi Montag and dump everyone to be with your guy 24/7. Space is healthy, and no one person can be responsible for your happiness. (Agreed 100%)

Be unpredictable. Guys want variety, but they don’t require it from other girls. While reading the paper say “You know, I’ve always wanted you to do me on the stairs,” then nonchalantly go back to the headlines.

Always thank him for little stuff (e.g., filling up your tank, being sweet to your third-wheel girlfriend). Appreciation keeps the good deeds coming.

Stage Five: Looking at the Future Together

Both of you at some point will question your ability to be faithful forever. Keep it to yourself, and don’t take it personally if he’s having the same doubts.

If you wonder whether you’re settling, ask yourself, Am I spending so much time saving this relationship that I’ve neglected the goals I had before we met? If I walked away right now, could I live with losing him? If you answer no, stick with it and reevaluate in six months.

Love doesn’t conquer all. Some incompatibilities just won’t go away, no matter how much you care.

Don’t compare your relationship to other people’s. Every couple- even the perfect-looking ones- has problems.

Innocent jealousy keeps things spicy. Occasionally laugh about how you happily rebuffed a cheesy guy’s advances.

Get real about sex: 5 to 15 percent of intercourse in healthy relationships is either dissatisfying (one of you doesn’t climax or foreplay is rushed or skipped) or dysfunctional. Don’t sweat it until you clock more duds than that.

If you do slip up and cheat, think very hard before you confess. Sometimes coming clean does more harm than good. (Personally, I think you should always confess. You should always tell the truth. If you knew what you were doing would hurt someone else, why did you do it? I think you give up your right to keep a serious secret like that, when you decided to do it from the beginning. Yes, confessing will hurt both of you, that’s inevitable, but that’s the truth and that’s life.)

Life is long. If the timing just isn’t right now, take a break. It doesn’t mean you won’t be together at some point.

Life is also short. Make a point to laugh your asses off regularly. The rest will take care of itself.

Source: The 50 Best Relationship Tips Ever by Holly Eagleson, Cosmopolitan Magazine

 

Advice and tips from the fabulous Candace Bushnell. As one of my role models, Bushnell exerts a very macro-level philosophy to life and it’s many hurdles. She has formulated so much wisdom in her life so far, and has pioneered many amazing ideas with her class and creativity. Her words always inspire me and continue to paralell the ideas I have for myself.

Live Within Your Means

“You’re on the edge of your seat financially in your 20’s, but you don’t want to end up owing $80,000 when you’re 30 years old. It’s better to go without.”

Make Friends With Rejection

“In my 20’s, I wrote stories and sent them out. Few got printed. You have to be willing to put yourself out there and then move on, trying every angle.”

Get Pitch-Perfect

“Giving a 30-second big idea to someone is important, so get right to the point: ‘I think I have a great idea for the company. It’s about this. Is that something that interests you?'”

Your Screwups Lead to Success

“Give yourself permission to make mistakes. By developing problem-solving skills, you are laying the groundwork to be happy in your 30s and 40s.”

Embrace the Uncertainty

“Your job in your 20s is to explore and find out about the world- not to worry that you don’t know enough yet. No one knows what’s coming next…enjoy that.”

Essentials Learned About Men

Soul-quaking sex does not equal soul-mate status

“Great sex with someone may or may not really mean something. But it’s a hell of a lot better than bad sex! What it comes down to is that sex is just another form of communication.”

Skip Mr. Big

“That means a guy who will rescue you or who possesses all the qualities you want but don’t yet have. Men cannot give you that. You should be developing those qualities yourself.”

Love isn’t guaranteed

“Most women think that love is a right, that it’s ordained. Guess what? No one has to be in love with you. It’s not a given. The only person who needs to love you is you.”

You will know he’s The One

“My grandmother said that, and I never believed it. But it’s true. You won’t be calling your friends saying, ‘I don’t know if he’s interested.’ There won’t be drama. He’ll be as into it as you are.”

It’s good to emulate them

“I’ve asked a lot of men about their top priority, and for most, it’s career and achievement. Your life is about the development of your story, what adventures happen to you. That’s the romance of life.”